I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Mom said you looked used
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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