oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize