I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
