it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
