Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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