It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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