I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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