it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
