life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
