I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
