hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
