i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
