a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
