I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
