Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
