You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
