Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
