Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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