we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
