saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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