I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
