Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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