Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
