I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
