Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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