Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
