I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
