Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
