If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
