I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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