i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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