sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
