Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
