Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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