New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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