i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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