I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
