Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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