His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
