I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
