Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
