I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
