Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
