I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
