just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Someone signed my nipple.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
