I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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