The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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