my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
