Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
