We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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