guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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