census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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