I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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