she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
