How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
