I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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